How to Be a Man

I just finished ordering a coffee at Starbucks, and was a little disappointed that the barista did not ask me if I wanted room for cream as she was pouring my dark roast coffee.  I would have said, with a slight air of nonchalance, that I did not want cream in my coffee, but that I drink it black.

This is because take a level of pride in drinking black coffee - it feels more manly.  Like, when someone offers me pre-cut firewood, and I say, "No, I got this" as I swing my ax onto my flannel-covered shoulders and head out into an unmarked forest in the dead of winter.

This creamer thing got me thinking about what else I do, just because it fits into my idea of what a man should look like.  So, here is a list of things that I find in myself that tell me how to be a man.

• Drink black coffee.  You don't have to do it every time, but you should be able to without too much fuss.  
• Be able to drive a manual transmission car without any trouble.  If you learned a long time ago, but haven't done it in a while, it might be time for a refresher course.  If you are being chased by international terrorists, and you jump into that Ferrari to get away, and grind the gears down the runway of an airport, it loses a certain level of cool, and telling that story later on will be tricky.
• Tie your own tie.  This includes bow ties, and half and full Windsor knots.  It's just one of those skills you should know.
• Appreciate old things.  Learn to love old books, old cities, old people, old music, old movies, old boats, or anything else that has figured out how to survive time.  
• Be able to read a book without pictures that aren't novels.  Stories are great, but figure out how to grapple with tough ideas in black and white books.  
• Know how to read and fold a newspaper.  They aren't irrelevant just yet, so maybe don't think of a newspaper as a tablet made out of paper.  The creases are there for a reason.
• Be able to sit and be quiet.  There is no inherent need in the heart of mankind that needs constant entertainment or stimulation.  Learn to just be.  We are human beings, not human doings. 
• Be able to start a fire without too much mess.    

And the most important one on the list - be secure in your own identity even if you don't know how to do any of the things on this list.  

What it really means to be a man is the same thing that it means to be a good human being.  And it boils down to this:

Love God as devotedly as you can, love people deeply and honestly, work as hard as you can, have personal integrity, make your word mean something, never cheat or take a shortcut, don't compromise your soul, love others more than you love yourself, and above all, stop putting creamer in your coffee and learn to read a book.

    

A Person Who Interests Me

This past Christmas and New Years, my wife Caroline and I went to Bogota, Colombia to visit her family down there.  To pass the time on the plane, I brought a recent gift from my sister-in-law, Sally - a book called "643 Things to Write About."  This is a note book, full of 643 prompts, ranging from things like "You are a pirate.  Describe your perfect day" to things like "A tree from the point of view of one of its leaves."  I love this book so much, and had fun writing on the plane.

When we arrived, Caroline's Uncle Juampa saw the book and started flipping through it.  Jokingly, he marked the prompt "Choose a person who interests you.  Write about the following person home" and slipped in a note that said "Uncle Juampa!"  Never one to let a challenge go unmet, I decided that before we left, I would do just that.

Not surprisingly, by the end of the trip, he genuinely interested me and I grew very fond of him.  So here is the bit that I wrote on Uncle Juampa - the examples below are experiences we had while we were there.

"Few people have the distinction of being known as a walking experience.  A simple walk with this kind of person will leave you wiser, calmer, and happier than you would have thought possible.  You wonder how this person sees the world, and wonder if it's a nicer world than you've seen.  A walk home with this person would cover classical Greek, Spanish grammar, local geography, and personal poetry.  It is in the nature of this person to bleed the perfect gifts - at just he right moment, generosity strikes and makes you wonder why you don't think of doing the same for other people.  This person is not too proud to talk to a homeless man telling jokes for money, and doesn't care if you are a king - you are a person.  You exist.  And this is enough for Uncle Juampa's time, attention, and love."



Here's the bottom line - Do good, create, have fun, and Life will beg you to dance with it.  Try cooking, try dancing, try learning.  And above all, love tensegrity.

Regeneration

So for those of you who don't know, I'm a big fan of this kooky show called "Doctor Who."  It's a quirky, British, sci-fi show that I won't even attempt to sell you on - you either already love it or hate it.  The only thing you need to know for this post is that when The Doctor (the main character) is close to dying, he regenerates into an entirely new person.  This was probably BBC's way of keeping a show going longer than one actor would sign up for, but it's a fun idea.

Now that it's after the new year, everyone is thinking through resolutions and things they're going to change about themselves because this year is going to be totally different from any other year.  Sarcasm included.

But when I think about myself five, or even ten years ago, I'm not sure I could say I am the same person I was - or rather, I'm not the same version of myself that I was.  Part of that is that ten years ago I was "half-baked" and still figuring out who I wanted to be.  But what if figuring out who you wanted to be was a life-long pursuit?  

I read in a New York Times article that practically every cell in our bodies replaces itself every 7-10 years.  The ones that don't really seem to change are a small amount of cells in your cerebral cortex.  So, if almost all of my body is physically replaced every 7-10 years, it's like I'm regenerating.  It's like I'm constantly regenerating.  

So I'm beginning this year, not thinking of what the old me wants to change, but thinking rather, that I have become someone new this year, and I get to decide what kind of person that is.  I get to try new hobbies to see if this new me likes them.  I get to try memorizing poetry, because maybe this new me can memorize poetry better than the old me. 

But maybe we don't become new people just because our cells replace themselves, and maybe we don't change because it's the new year.  Maybe we change when we actually start behaving like the people we want to be, rather than the people we've grown tired of being.  It might be worth your while to list out the kind of person you wouldn't mind being like, and then do small things every day that this new kind of person might do.  Maybe in the doing, the becoming sneaks up on us.  

Bending and Breaking

While I was living in Orlando in 2009, I attended Summit Church, founded and pastored by a man named Isaac Hunter.  When thinking about people who have had a significant impact on my spiritual life, it's hard to know the full extent, but Isaac Hunter will always be on the list of people who helped my love of God grow deeper.

Last year it was revealed that he had been having an affair with a staff member and his wife had filed domestic abuse charges against him.  He resigned from his position at Summit and decided that the affair was more important than his family, and left them.  On December 21st he committed suicide and his death was covered nationally because his father is a spiritual adviser to President Obama.

This news was very hard on me - partially due to the great love I have always felt towards Isaac, and partially due to the great pain that suicide has already inflicted on my heart over the last two years.  As I think through what integrity means, and the immense pressure those in the public eye must feel, I can't help but think of King David.

David was the King of Israel, and was called a man after God's own heart, despite his own affair with Bathsheba and his murder of her husband.  David had an elastic repentance - he messed up, more than most people, but when he was confronted with his sin, he was quick to admit it and repent.  This put him in great dependence on God and great humility before people.  

I do not care that Isaac Hunter had an affair - that is primarily a sin against God and his wife and family, not against me.  People are constantly failing and being forgiven by a gracious God.  People will always mess up - but what I want, and what I think God wants, is for people to be quick to make right their wrong.  Isaac Hunter chose not to bend, either from pride, blindness, or a small view of God's capacity of forgiveness.  Because he did not bend, be broke - and it his is breaking, not his failure that breaks my heart.  Breaking is not sinning - breaking is not repenting of the sin.

A man's failures do not negate the great good that God accomplished through them in the lives of others.  God is glorified within and often despite my failures.  My sadness is not due to someone I respect failing - that will always happen.  My sadness is due to a man not seeing the redemption possible after such a failure.  God is so much greater than our sin and so much better than our badness.