A Book I'm Working On

So these are two chapters from a book I'm working on that details everything you need to know to survive a job working for The Olive Garden.  I thought I might put a couple of the chapters on here just to see how they fair.

The first chapter I'm putting on here talks about how to be weeded with style, and the second chapter talks about the survival kit that every server should have in order to survive the mayhem of work.  Enjoy!

16 - Being Weeded With Style

Being weeded, as you may recall, means that you are so busy you cannot provide good service to your tables.  It also means that you will be doing a lot of walking (or jogging, or running).  I've often wondered how much I've walked at my job.  If I got a pedometer and kept track of my steps, surly I've knocked off a few marathons worth of walking.  Plus, if I make up a fake charity, I can just apply all of that mileage to it and claim some kind of humanitarian superiority over everyone else. 

“You ran a 5k for education?  Huh, well I walked four marathons to support struggling college students pay rent and feed themselves.  I just feel so rewarded for my charity work, you know?  Like I’m giving…but I’m also receiving more than I could have ever thought.” 

Anyway, being weeded with style.  Here are some quick tips to help you stay out of the weeds as much as possible.

·         Ask for help.  Obviously, no one will help you, but asking for it is an important part of being weeded with style.  If the requests are small and easy to accomplish, this will increase your odds of getting a coworker to take 30 seconds on your behalf.  “Can you drop off this check at table 52” is far more likely to get a positive response than “can you pass out all the food for my party of teenagers in the back room?”

·         Ask people who like you.  If you have some clout, now is the time to use it.  After all, chances are you’re not actually going to need to move a body and have to call in “the big one” from any of your friends.  Cash in on your positive relationships in small ways and be sure to reciprocate when they are weeded. 

·         Prioritize your energy.  If you have two tables, one wants a refill on salad, and the other hasn't gotten salad yet, choose to give food to those who don’t have any, rather than expending your energy on giving more food to people who already had some.  Remember, people are at their worst when they are hungry and ignored.  Feed the hungriest people first.

·         When you get double sat, treat both tables as if they are one table.  This doesn't mean talk to them both at the same time – it means that you greet one, get their drink order, and then rather than going to get those drinks while the second table sits feeling unnoticed, greet one, get the order, greet two, get the order.  Then bring all the drinks at the same time.  Get everyone’s order for food, bring all the salad/soup/bread at the same time.  This will save you a ton of time and will help you if you ever get sat in the café and get six tables at the same time.  It’s doable.  Just pretend they’re all together.

·         If you do find yourself exceptionally busy, make a joke to your tables about how your managers must think you’re superman/superwoman, and that their faith might be misplaced.  This tells your tables many things.    1) You are extremely busy, but it’s not entirely your fault.  2) You have a sense of humor about it.  3) The management thinks you’re a capable person, but they don’t really understand your limits.  This one is important because everyone who has a job feels like they are capable and that their managers do not understand their limits.  You are both humanizing yourself while simultaneously allying yourself with your customer. 

·         Walk quickly.  This seems like it should be obvious, but some people, regardless of how urgent the task, seem to only have one speed.  Microturtle.  Pick up the pace man, I've got places to go. 

·         Don’t complain.  Alright, if you must, you can make one comment to one person about how busy you are, but the less complaining you do, the more positive you will stay, the better you can do your job.  Griping about how hard you have to work just makes you sound childish.  It goes something like this:

You: “Aah!  Those dumb hosts double sat me again!  I’m so weeded!  I can’t believe this!”

Me: “I know!  They should rename this place and call it “work” so that it adequately describes what is expected of us while we are paid money to be here!  Jeeze…”

*You now hate me.

·         If you have a high maintenance table (one that is slow about order, wants to ask a question about everything on the menu, needs refills of diet coke every two minutes, etc) don’t be afraid to politely let the hosts know that you might need a minute to catch up.  They don’t know if you don’t tell them.  So don’t expect them to know just because you are thinking it.  That would be stupid.

·         If you have a high maintenance table, here’s a trick to stop them.  Be more high maintenance than they are.  This sounds mean?  No, this goes far beyond being passive aggressive to express your displeasure – this delves deep into the human psyche.  *cue dramatic music.  Here’s what I mean.  If a table stops you every time you walk past to ask you for something, out do them.  Get what they need and then expressly check in with them every time you see them.  After a bit, they will get tired of asking you for things, and will realize that you volunteered rather than begrudgingly obliged them, and will feel gratitude to you.  Even if they are obviously content, go up and ask them if everything is alright every time you see them.  I say this, because when someone has a high maintenance table, the natural impulse is to avoid them.  Don’t.  Out do them and they will no longer be high maintenance. 

·         If, at the end of your table’s meal, you know that you did not give them the most impeccable service (or if you know that they think you did not give them the most impeccable service), tell your table that you usually prefer to spend more quality time at each table, but that you were so busy you couldn't.  The main thing this does is it tells your customers that your poor service was not personal.  When in doubt, people take any perceived offence as personally as it can possibly be taken – neutralize this and you will win.

3 - Survival Kit For Mayhem 

These are the things that you should always have with you so that you can meet every single crisis with poise and style.  These are, obviously, in addition to the clothes you are wearing.  If you needed to be told that, put this book down.  I mean it.

• Pens – Lots and lots of pens.  The more the better.  I still don’t know why, but for some reason, a lot of people like to steal pens.  I don’t know if it’s just a random surge of kleptomania, or if these people are genuinely living in a world of pencil shavings and chalk, and find that once the power of ink is in their hands, they will never relinquish it.  Either way, plan for thievery.  I will even encounter the brash soul who will inform me that they intend to steal my pen, simply because they like it.  I, of course, tell them that it is perfectly fine, but that I intend to steal their credit card until a mutual exchange can be arranged.  You can reduce the likelihood that someone will steal your pen if it came in a pack of twenty or more.  And don’t ever give out a clicky pen.  That’s just asking for trouble.  
• Money – Although this seems odd to those who do not work in a restaurant, the servers at Olive Garden carry their own money and make change for you out of their pockets.  So when you get that twenty dollar bill on a seven dollar ticket and are not told to keep the change, as much as you might hint, you have to make that change yourself.  Sure, you can go to the bartender and ask him to break it for you, but he is probably making himself his third cappuccino of the evening and can’t be bothered with your silly needs.  So bring a lot of singles to work.  Although this is not the only profession that involves a wad of single dollar bills, it is certainly the least exciting. 
• Jingle – I don’t exactly know who first started calling coins “jingle,” but I imagine that they lived in a tree house and called everything by the sound that it makes.  But at least in my store, quarters, dimes, nickels and the most useless currency of all, the penny, are fondly referred to as “jingle.”  Personally, I wouldn't mind a world where everything was rounded to the nearest quarter, but that might be asking too much of democracy.  Until my Utopian society emerges from the ashes of the filthy trio of pennies, nickels, and dimes, bring a pocket full of these forgotten remnants of past purchases you wished were thirty-seven cents cheaper.  I bring a pocket full of quarters and always round up for my tables.  This is just me though.
• Wine Key – This is part of your uniform, so don’t be caught without it.  It’s good for throwing up in the air and catching, opening cardboard boxes, fiddling with while you’re board, opening wine bottles in proper wine service fashion, and imagining that it could be used to stop a robbery, since this is the closest thing to a weapon you are allowed to have on your person.  My wine key occupies the latter purpose most frequently.  That little foil cutter could do some serious damage on a terrorist who happen to hate affordable and unlimited salad. 
• Key Card – This is what allows you to ring in food and close out checks.  It can also be used as a Frisbee, but not very well. 
• Cell Phone – Although you should never use, show, talk on, or text on, your cell phone while you are working, please have one with you.  Why?  So you will stop borrowing mine to call your daughter to come pick you up.  They are really affordable.  Please buy one.  Yvonne.
• Coasters – Although technically not part of your uniform, I thought I would mention them.  Mainly because they make better Frisbees than your key card.  But not by much.    
• Band-aids – Bring a couple just in case.  Plus, if you’re feeling like a smart aleck, you can peel one and stick it on your griping coworker and ask them if you should get their mommy to kiss their booboo and make the bad man say he’s sorry. 
• Don’t do that last one.  It’s a terrible idea and is only funny in your head.  You might get punched.  Twice.