Playing Well With Others

      Regardless of any job you find yourself in, or any means of unemployment for that matter, you will most likely find that you need to work with other people.  If you are one of those individuals who hates working with incompetent people and actually dies a little bit every time you are forced to cooperate with people who you think are morons, congratulations, you are just like everyone else in the entire world.  Thinking that you are the victim is the most defining thread between everyone in the American workforce.  Like it or not, it is very advantageous for you to play well with your coworkers, so I, as a kindness to you, have created this cheatsheet for everything you need to know for making money while cooperating with morons.  By the way, believing that everyone else is a moron makes you just like everyone else.  A moron.

Number one: Gossip.  I never, ever make absolute statements about anything or anyone, but this one time, I’ll make an exception.  Never, ever gossip.  Honestly, the moment those nasty thoughts are in your brain there starts a countdown on a bomb – you can either throw it out as nonsense, or let it spew out your mouth.  And when I say “spew,” I don’t want you to imagine a garden hose, or a pretty waterfall.  I want you to imagine a fire hydrant of diarrhea coming out of your mouth, because that is exactly how useful and beautiful gossip is.  As soon as those thoughts enter your mind, throw them out as nonsense or take your problems to the person it concerns in a rational, adult manner.  The bottom line is that gossip is childish.  And since child labor was outlawed in 1938, you are probably not a child.  So don’t act like one.

Number two: Enjoy the Good Times.  Have you ever noticed that when you have a canker sore it is the only thing you can think about, but when you don’t have one, you never think:

“Gee, I sure am grateful to the cosmos that I don’t have a canker sore right now…see…I can run my tongue all around the inside of my lip and it feels right as rain!”  

It seems that at work, no matter what is going on, there is always someone unhappy.  If it’s slow, people are complaining.  If it’s busy, people are complaining.  If it’s a normal, manageable amount of business, people are complaining.  To counteract this, make it a point to look for the moments you can enjoy.  When you are busy, think “I will probably make a lot of money today.”  When it’s slow, think “it’s so nice that I’m not rushed right now…who can I help?”   If you are unhappy in every single circumstance you find yourself in, you should realize that the common denominator is you.  So you should probably focus on fixing that instead of everything else.  So go ahead - run your tongue around the inside of your lip now and then, and be grateful you don't have a canker sore. 

Number three: Realize that just because you don’t like someone does not mean that you have to be enemies.  Everyone is forced to work with people they don’t like – and if you don’t know who that person is, it’s probably you.  But just because you wouldn't go get a beer with that person or invite them to meet your family, does not mean that you cannot work well with them in a professional environment.  It’s called “work” for a reason – you don’t have to like everyone, but you do have to work with them. 

Number four: Pray for the people who drive you nuts at work.  It may seem like an old-fashioned idea, but it seems to me that certain ideas stick around that long because they have some merit.  This doesn't have to be a faith-based activity, though if you want it to be, it can.  The point is to choose to control your thoughts and hope for the best for the people who drive you crazy the most.  If you are invested in someone’s good, it’s very hard to resent them for being jerks.  You suddenly see that they are probably jerks because they've been treated like crap their entire lives and genuinely do not see their own worth as a person.  Angry people are almost always hurt people.  Just remember that what you think about affects your emotions – and your emotions feed back into your thought life.  Control your thoughts and you control your emotions.  Think well of people and you've just poured water on the fire.  Think badly of people and you are trying to put out a fire with a box of matches. 

Number five: Assume that whatever offense your coworker committed against you that has now gripped your mind was not done as a malicious attempt to offend you.  Have you ever noticed when you’re driving and someone cuts you off, you immediately think that they are ignorant, unaware, self-absorbed jerks with no consideration for anyone else – but when that person is in your blind spot and you accidentally change lanes without seeing them, well that was an honest mistake and they can’t possibly expect you to be perfect all the time, and how dare they lay on their horn like that.  Why are they so important?   The long and short of it is that if you give others the same amount of grace and forgiveness you give yourself, you will start to see other people in a new, less blood-pressure-raising way. 

Here is a time-proven recipe for success: Avoid getting involved in the affairs of fools, for they are tricky and will hurt your brain.  Help them, care for them, of course, but avoid trying to reason with them – the mind is a labyrinth of illogical justifications of one's own inherent rightness.  Just, stay away from that Wonderland of Weirdness.