Loving Your Enemies

I feel like most people don't have enemies - we just know people who annoy us.  But the root of this annoyance is that we would rather view someone in terms of how they affect us, rather than how they are affected by us.  

Viewing someone as "the enemy" objectifies them.  It steals away their heart and their fears, their insecurities and their victories.  It only leaves whatever behavior you don't like about them.  It takes the humanness away from people and leaves them, in your mind, less than human.  They become the sum total of their actions towards you.  

It's easier to hate (dislike, not prefer, avoid, be bothered by - pick your minced word of choice) someone than it is to understand them.  Loving your enemies restores their humanity.  It says that given similar circumstances, I might be just like them.  

Here's the hard truth: everybody is hurt.

Angry people have been tremendously hurt, and protect themselves from being hurt again by bristling up to keep people at bay.  Angry people are hurt people.  Selfish people are hurt people.  Sad people are hurt people.  Lonely people are hurt people.  Spiteful people are hurt people.

Hurt people do not need more hurt - they don't need to be destroyed - they don't need to be avoided.  They need to be loved.  When someone "pushes your buttons" and gets under your skin, that should be the bright flashing light in your head that says "this person needs love SO badly."

Mathew 5: 43-46

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?"

My Eight Things

Ask anyone.  I am not known for my consistency.  I am a whirring ball of ideas, intentions, attempts, and failures.  I even tried knitting a scarf once (and by "once", I mean "this year") and made it about two inches before I was over it.  It's now a very inadequate hot pad, which makes Caroline smile.

I've started something that kind of excites me.  I call it my "Eight Things."  There are eight things that I've written on a list, and post at my desk.  Things that I want to be consistent with and want to form habits around.  I used to think that if I got into a habit about something, it might be "legalistic" and I wouldn't actually get anything good out of it.  But as I was watering my plants one morning, I realized that giving life-sustaining nutrients to something that needs it, is not legalism - it's food.  Sometimes I eat out of legalism (that is, I know I should, even if I don't feel hungry) and sometimes I drink water out of legalism (before I'm thirsty, because I know I ought) but my consistency does not negate the benefit.  If I read my Bible, and mediate on a verse, I might not be hungry for it, but it will still do me good.

So I made a list of good things I should be doing every day, in no particular order.

1) Read your Bible
2) Find a verse to mediate on throughout the day.
3) Spend time in prayer
4) Pray for Caroline
5) Exercise
6) Drink water
7) Journal
8) Eat breakfast.

There are times that I think that any kind of routine or habit will be completely abandoned in three days, never to be seen again.  But it's been eight days, and I'm still doing my "Eight Things" every morning.  If that doesn't sound like a lot, the exchange rate for "Stephen keeping up with something" to "anyone else keeping up with something" is about 4 to 1, so I'm on fire!

I've been able to repeat this each day, because I think to myself, "treat today like it's the blueprint you want every other day to be based on."  You only live one day at a time anyway, so this is a perfect model.  What kind of habits do you want to form in your life?  What are you going to do today to achieve that habit?  That is the only question that really matters - what are you going to do today?  Yesterday is as far away from you as the beginning of time - and when tomorrow gets here, it turns out, it's just today.  So what habit, today, are you going to form?  Ask yourself that question every morning.

Dualism

I think we think of God in dualistic terms without even realizing it, and this is a great disservice to His greatness.

Dualism is basically the two sides to a coin.  When asked about opposites, a conversation might go something like this:

-What is the opposite of black?  - White.
-What is the opposite of good?  - Bad.
-What is the opposite of left?  - Right.
-What is the opposite of up?  - Down.
-What is the opposite of God?  -Satan.

The problem with this is not that they are opposites, but that these are all considered equal opposites.  Jeremiah 10:6 says "No one is like you Lord; you are great, and your name is mighty in power."  All Satan ever wanted was to be like God, to be on equal footing with Him.  We too often believe the lie that Satan is God's equal opposite, when in fact, there is none like God, good or bad.

In fact, Satan's equal opposite is more likely to be Michael, an archangel.  We are doing God a great disservice when we buy into the dualistic idea that God's opposite is Satan.  There is no God like our God.

Insignificant People

I realized something today - I have never, in all my time living, met an insignificant person.

I was at a gathering tonight, and my dear friend David said, in a prayer, that God saw fit to have this exact person living at this exact time in history.

Think about this for a second.  If every person living were placed in this time in history - not two hundred years in the past - not two hundred years in the future - this exact generation and this exact person, then every person you've ever met has great significance!  God "saw fit" - thought it proper - to create this person, with their particular issues and voice and height and weight, and caused the infinitely complex universe to cross your paths.  This makes the seemingly causeless universe be injected with galaxies worth of purpose and planning.

Science, I dare you to find answers to every mystery this world contains - but you will never begin to fathom the depth of purpose and intentionality that any given person contains within their lives.  God saw fit to make it so - therefore no one is purposeless, and no one is insignificant.

Mix. Don't Match.

You know what has always seemed like a funny idea to me?  That people are thought to thrive best when they are surrounded by their peers. 

Isn't this the idea behind grades in school and why youthgroups exist in churches and why we are encouraged to spend time with people our own age?  But the problem is really simple.  How can anybody learn anything of value from people who are in the same stage of life as they are?  What could a twelve-year-old possibly have of value to teach another twelve-year-old?  I certainly cannot imagine what that would be.

This seems obvious when it’s down on paper, but the acceptance of this notion is far-reaching and its consequences are not menial.  Entire generations are being emotionally stunted because they are looking around at the people next to them and the people next to them are doing the same.  This breeds “trend-setters” who are hailed for greatness because of their confidence rather than for their competence.  It is the appealing, not the good, that sets the bar for young people in this system.  This is dangerous for the simple reason that “the appealing” for a twelve-year-old is almost never good for them.  They’re twelve. 

Mix.  Don’t match.

The “one room schoolhouse” model of teaching might have more merit to it than we might have thought.  Kids who are put in a position where they are helping younger kids with the things they used to struggle with teaches responsibility, caring, patience, and a non-self-centered worldview.  In churches, kids should be learning from people who are older and more mature, not pandered to by a childish adult who is trying to relate to them.

Here is my personal view of how someone should learn to be an adult: find someone you want to be like and spend time figuring out how to do that.  Also, keep an eye for younger people you can teach a thing or two to.  Usually this will happen by you seeing someone else fail at the same thing you used to fail at.  Step up and share what you learned from your failure so they will spend less time than you did figuring out what’s wrong.

 

Understanding Rest

Thought on the Sabbath

On the drive back from Gainesville to Jacksonville, my wife and I started talking about Sundays.  It is fairly common knowledge that for Judaism and Christianity, there is one day out of the week that is set aside for worship and/or rest.  For Judaism this day is Saturday, since it is the last day of the week and during the creation of the world, God rested on the 7^th day.  For Christians, it used to be Saturday (since Christianity grew as an offshoot of Judaism) but it was changed to Sunday by Constantine in 321 AD.  There is a little bit of debate as to why he did this, but the common consensus is that he already worshiped his pagan gods on Sunday, and it was convenient to make those days the same.

So, knowing that, my wife and I were talking about if it would be somehow better for Christians to change their day of worship back to Saturday, since that is where we came from.

I tend to think that for every one philosophical question there is, there are at least three vital presuppositions that the question-asker is assuming that have already been answered.  Here’s what I mean.  Let’s say that you have the question “what is Truth?”  To ask that question, you are already assuming that Truth is something that CAN be found (that’s 1), you are assuming that Truth is something which OUGHT to be found (that’s 2), and you are assuming that once this Truth is found, it will be an important discovery (that’s 3).  Questions are always based off other questions. 

So what are the questions behind this question about Sunday? 

First, this question assumes that the world we live in, and the world God works in, is a 7 day week.  Bible believing Christians should think about Abraham – did he work by a 7 day week?  He would have no reason to, since nothing in nature works by 7 days.  It would be a 1/7 chance that this day we call the Sabbath is the same day that God rested on.  To change our day of worship by one day could have no mathematical rationale – it would be entirely cultural, since the Gregorian calendar (the one we use right now) was created in 1582 AD.

Second, this question assumes that the “last day of the week” is, in fact, a Saturday or Sunday.  Why?  Our work week is typically Monday-Friday, but many people do not use that same work week.  Many companies have different work weeks, which means that the “last day of the week” could mean different things for many different people. 

Third, since this question is entirely faith-based, it assumes that God cares about the days of the week and wants all to be on the same page.  If the main goal of the Sabbath is rest, why is it important for everyone to rest at the same time?  Is it fair to say that since rest is an individual activity, it isn't the main thing that everyone rests on the same day?

My personal view is based off of a small observation about the creation story.  God created the heavens and the earth, and on the sixth day, He created Man.  On the 7^th day He rested.  This means that after God did all the work, He rested.  This also means that the very first thing Man ever did was recognize that God did all the work, and rested in that completed work.  To me, this means that in my salvation, I must recognize that I did no work to gain what I have received.  I need to begin everything from the knowledge that God has first done all the work necessary, and I must begin from a place of rest.  All work I ever do must begin from a place of rest in what God has already completed.  So whether it’s on Sunday, or Saturday, or Wednesday morning, I should not strive to complete anything until I first rest in the knowledge that God has already done all the work. 

Worship and rest in that knowledge.  

Our Ethical Response to Prostitution

This post deals with the moral responsibility of a society towards the abuse of prostitutes.

Because I am a Christian who believes that we are created by God, I find the idea of exchanging sex for money highly contradictory to my personal morals.  However, as a Christian I want to, and am even commanded to, love people, love mercy, and advocate for those who are being abused. 

So here is the question: should prostitution be decriminalized?

An automatic response by much of the Christian church must no doubt be an absolute “No!” in an effort to steer our country away from a lewd society void of any morals, but I would ask you to really consider the question and not just respond before you think. 

Women who are in prostitution are often not there by choice, but even if they are, they are subject to environments of high abuse, violence, and the constant danger of murder.  When a prostitute is being beaten or tortured, who can she call?  Her environment is dangerous, and the police, the protectors of the powerless, function as the enemy who should be avoided at all cost.  They are doubly bound and have no way of help. 

So, if that is the case, what is the ethical response?  Throwing abused women in prison doesn't fix anything, and it’s not economically feasible.  Because the system that is currently in place perpetuates abuse and binds abused women from every angle, what is a society’s ethical response?  Providing a source of help from the police might be the necessary first step. 

As a last word, I want to say that I am genuinely open to feedback from anyone who would like to comment in the box below this post.  However, since this might be a touchy topic for some people, I’m going to ask that each post be gracious.  If there is vulgarity or prejudice or sweeping and mindless claims, I’m going to take them out.  This is a place for mature, rational, ethical discussion.  

The Nearsightedness of Faith

People always say that faith is blind.  “Well, that’s just blind faith, you just have to trust.”  This has always bothered me – though not because it sounds trite or because I need to know everything before I do something. 

So, here is my modification of that idea.  Faith is not blindness – it is nearsightedness.  Here’s why:

Imagine life as a series of steps you have to take.  When people say that “faith is blind,” it is as though you can’t see any of those steps you need to take, and you just need to start walking into the darkness, trusting that you won’t run into anything.  In my experience, this is not how faith has presented itself. 

• Faith is knowing the first step, but not the twelfth.  
• Faith is not knowing what the third step is, but trusting that when you take the first step, the second will show itself.  
• Faith is knowing that “wait and do nothing” is a perfectly legitimate step to take.  
• Faith is not complete blindness, it’s just nearsightedness. 

You might feel like the path in front of you is dark and unsure and causeless – but trust that you always know what the next step is, and you need to take that step before anything else is made clear.  So rather than focus on figuring out every step of your life, focus on what the next step is that you might not be taking, and take it.

  

Rest: Our Response to The Beautiful

If insomnia were a character quality, I would be venerated on the spot. 

I do feel fortunate, though, that my particular flavor of insomnia only strikes when I have some kind of idea which I am excited to flesh out.  This means that as far as long, lonely nights go, mine are fairly productive.  Insomnia is my response to the curious.

Sleep is an interesting idea, spiritually speaking.  We are no doubt familiar with the concept of rest and how that is something God wants us to do – no doubt, for our own good.  Those two must not be exclusively the same since one can have a restless sleep and a restful experience while fully awake.

This reminds me of an experience Caroline and I had in a museum in St Augustine.  We were wandering around the city, with nothing in particular to do, and we poked our heads into a small art museum.  I cannot tell you why, because art has so rarely affected me in any significant way, but Caroline and I were moved to silence by this art.  We stayed in this small shop for close to two hours, looking at each piece by an artist I cannot now recall.  Two hours we marveled in the face of the beautiful.  When we walked out of that small shop, and were reborn into the street of St. Augustine, I took a deep breath of the hot afternoon air, and felt like I had just woken up from a long and restful sleep. 

One of my favorite words is “insatiable,” because it has a driving sense of internal thirst for something.  I often feel this driving thirst, and I think it is this thirst that keeps me awake at nights.  It is my curiosity monkey that will not leave me alone.  But when we walked out of that museum, we were satiated – full and content.

To rest is to relax every muscle in your mind and come to rest in the eye of a storm, momentarily knowing that it is okay. 

I think rest is our response to the beautiful.  This may be why God gave us beautiful Sunday afternoons to take a picnic somewhere, or sit at the beach, or walk in the woods.  I think He likes it when we experience rest as a response to His beauty.  Our greatest rest, of course, comes gradually, as we see more and more of Him.   

Resolved

These are some resolutions I wrote in 2009 during a class that lasted longer than my attention span.  I find them useful to reread.

Resolved: To never err on the side of caution where God has called me to take a risk

Resolved: to not speak poorly of others behind their back, and to only do so to their face when I believe will bring some good to them.

Resolved: to not let the personality or appearance of someone cause me hesitation in sharing the gospel with them.

Resolved: to try, as best as I can, to love all people.

Resolved: to weigh the profit of any task against its importance in eternity.

Resolved: to live, as well as I can, with my own mortality in mind.

Resolved: to never open my mouth in prayer if my motive is a selfish one.

Resolved: if (or rather, when) I fail any one of these resolutions, I will not doubt the great forgiveness found in the grace of God.

Resolved: to never treat the greatness of God as common place.

Resolved: to never waste emotions on inanimate objects or unchangeable
circumstances.

Resolved: to go through my possessions often and see if there is anything which I would be ashamed to hold before the eyes of God.

Resolved: to pair actions with my beliefs.

Resolved: to consider I may be wrong before any disagreement damages a relationship.

Resolved: when I am confronted with my own error, I will not value my pride over the recognition of truth.

Resolved: to never, as well as I can, trade something which is best for something which is merely good. 

Resolved: to read this list often, act on what I've written, and add to it when I can.

Resolved: To not let nameless, vague, irrational fears cause me hesitation in following through in God's will.

To love everyone. Regardless:

of their response
of their personality
of their race
of their usefulness to me
of their offences against me or anyone else
of their possibility of change
of the possibility of repayment 
of their character
of how annoying they are
of how incompatible we are
of whether or not they ever know how much I've done for them
of how I feel
of who else loves them
of how long it takes
of how capable of love I feel
of how many times they've failed 
of who knows

Thoughts on Morality

It seems to me that Christians ought to be the ones on the front lines of many more causes than we currently are, and perhaps less vocal about some of the issues that we are most marked for.  This seems to not only be true in our current culture, but it seems to be historically true. 

I know it is very easy to judge those who came before us for their moral inadequacies, but morality does not exist in retrospect.  Morality does not exist in future intentions either.  Morality exists in that liminal space between our minds and our hands – what we know and what we do about it.  It may be that the concept of stewardship that is so prevalent in the New Testament also applies to the knowledge we receive.  If we have been given much, we are expected to allocate that knowledge in a way that “turns a profit,” so to speak.  So rather than saying of previous generations that they were the height of hypocrisy for not seeing what we so clearly see, we ought to wonder why we do not see what we ought to see.  Certainly, we would not want our future generations to call us hypocrites for the multitude of paradoxes we are guilty of.  What if in thirty years, the inhumane practice of factory farming animals and the inhumane treatment of animals in testing cosmetics were so looked down upon that our entire generation despised us for not doing more to stop it?  What if our future generations judged us for doing this to the ocean? 

Or that there are approximately 27 million people in slavery in the world, and that every year there are 1 million children exploited for the commercial sex trade.  And even with all this, the people who claim to be not only made in the image of God, but are meant to be ambassadors of Jesus are more known for intolerance and judgment than championing the causes of the oppressed. 

I promise you, if the world saw a culture that fought harder for the poor than our government does, and fought more for justice than our courts do, and fought harder for freedom than our constitution does, the world would fall in love with the same Jesus we did.  Medicare, the broken foster care system, failed governmental run ecological systems – all of these things exist to the shame of the Christian church.  Why is the world fighting harder to take care of the poor than we are?  If true morality exists between what you know and what you do about it, then I challenge you – what are you going to do about it?   

That Nameless Quality

It would seem that after all the study of what character is and how it should be cultivated, every possible character quality would have a definite name.  But I have one to add that I have yet to find a name for.

I have breakfast with a group of men every Tuesday morning at 6:00am.  Each of these men are significantly older than I am - almost any one of them could be my father.  One of the reasons I need this time for my own growth as a person, is that each of them has this nameless quality that sits on the tip of my tongue, but avoids being pinned down with a single word.  

Let me describe it.

There seems to be a kind of restedness that comes with living a long and full life - A kind of settled wisdom.  It is the kind of settled wisdom that comes from having spent many years walking with God and having been forgiven of many faults and having seen provision in many ways, having been very, very wrong and still loved in spite of it.  It's the kind of calmness that says "I've seen this before...yeah...it's gonna be okay."  It's the peace that comes with experience.  It's the assurance that comes with having seen a lot.  

It's like anxiety and worry have given way to faith and peace.  If there is a word for this, I do not know it.  But this realization tells me that language is running as fast as it can to keep up with the depths of our pursuit of God, and that it is not doing well.  

Maybe it's best that it doesn't have a name.  Maybe, like the character quality itself, it is best to be experienced, rather than discussed.  Maybe language will always fall short of the depths of the human soul.  If so, that gives me great hope for the human soul.

Thoughts on Jesus and my Heart

*This idea, and most of its development, is due to Quinten Miller, in a conversation we had over breakfast this morning. 

  

The Christian idea that Jesus lives in your heart has always troubled me.  I know that it is meant to be poetic, and representative, and spiritually speaking, but still, it has always sat funny in my mind.  Allow me to be a bit critical for a moment – it has always seemed that if Jesus could fit in my heart, he is a very small Jesus, because my heart seems like a small place.  When I imagine the scene of Jesus moving into my heart, I imagine it looks something like this.

Me: “Hi Jesus, come on in…oh, you didn’t need to wipe your feet, but thanks anyway.  Woah, it got pretty cramped in here, didn’t it?  Lemme just…no, well if you…yeah, I’ll stand here and put my arm liiiike this…so then you have room to sit down on that corner right there.  There.  Comfortable?  No?  Sorry about that.  Can I get you something to drink?  Oh, I can’t quite get to the sink…oh, you brought living water?  That was nice of you.  Well.  This is….cozy…..*long pause*…..so…..you’re here for eternity huh?  …know any games?

To really understand the poetics of what happens when the idea of Jesus living inside us, we need to broaden our understanding of what our internal selves are.  Imagine the space you are in right now.  Move out to the building you are in and imagine the whole aerial view.  Picture the city block.  Move out again to the side of town.  Move out again the whole city with its surrounding cities.  Move out again to the view of the state as a whole.  The country.  The hemisphere.  The world.  Move out again to the solar system.  The galaxy.  You can’t even make out the speck that is the world you live on at this point.  Move out again where our galaxy is a small part within the surrounding galaxies, and further and further out. 

This is not simply an exercise in the grandiose or the awe inspiring or the sublime.  Come back to the room you are occupying right now.  Zoom in on your chest cavity.  Zoom in again on your lungs and internal organs.  Zoom in to the fluid that surrounds and maintains the environment that keeps you breathing without any conscious thought on your part.  Zoom in again on the droplets of fluid that keep you alive.  Zoom in again on the molecules that comprise that drop, and the smaller elements that comprise those molecules.  Even closer at the atoms that make up those elements. 

There is an infinity in both directions – outward and inward.  Socially speaking, we could give our lives and energies to developing the external infinity, the impact we can have on others or the affect we can have on the world.  We can put up a front of caring or empathy or a façade of love, and neglect the infinity that is our internal selves.  How many pastors or ministers have given their lives to ministry, only to wreck their marriages and compromise their integrity?  What good is it to give your life for a cause, when you have neglected the infinite inward self that makes up your soul? 

I now have a new understanding of what it means for Jesus to be inside my heart.  Here is what it looks like:

Fog is rolling in from somewhere in front of me.  It is quiet and dark where I’m standing.  I take one step and the sound of my foot goes out into the darkness and seems to never stop.  There are no markers for me to get my bearings, and there is so little light I can hardly see past the fog that my breath makes.  It’s cold.  I shout.  Jesus is supposed to be here somewhere.  I wave my hands around in a circle trying to feel for anything.  Suddenly, Jesus is next to me.

Jesus: “Hi Stephen.”

Me: “Hello Jesus.”

Jesus: “Do you know what I want to do in here?”

Me: “Live, I guess?  There’s more room in here I think, you’re welcome to set up camp wherever you like…”

Jesus: “Live?  Yeah, sure, we’re going to live, but what I’m really looking forward to, is turning everything you see into something.”

Me: “What are you going to turn it into?”

Jesus: “A garden.” 

Doctrinal View

People have often pressed me for my particular views on some of the more sensitive issues in higher theological doctrine; predestination, free will, losing salvation, baptism essential for salvation, infant who die going to heaven or not, and so on. Here is my answer to all of them. If debating high levels of theology somehow brings either of us into a closer relationship with God, makes either of us fall in love with Jesus in a deeper way, or brings unity among brothers and sisters in Christ, then I will gladly discus it with you. If, however, you are arguing to gain spiritual points, or to prove that you have a better understanding of God than another brother or sister, or to win a convert to your faction of Christianity, count me out.

If you are arguing that Christ does not save us, or that one cannot be saved then there is some urgency for that topic. But, if we are simply debating the method by which Jesus does save us, or the mystery behind God’s hand in the world, then I wonder about the immediate need for an answer. The truth is that there are greater mysteries in our faith and bigger issues to which we trust God. Here’s the issue. We would rather argue over the ways in which God could save people, rather than be that means of salvation.

The thing about the debates over salvation is that it is almost always, as far as I have seen, not a debate for one’s own salvation. The debate is almost always whether or not someone else is saved or can be saved or decided to be saved or was destined to be saved and on and on. What I mean by this is that, the argument is always based on the premise that the person speaking is in fact saved, regardless of the method they believe it came about by. So regardless of which side you choose, both sides are believers in Christ—whether they believe that they chose that or that they were destined to be saved, or that they were destined to choose or chose to be destined… Here’s the bottom line: are you now, as this argument is being debated, in a relationship with God? One would assume that the people arguing about it are the ones who have crossed over anyway. If so, stop arguing and trust that the God, who saved your soul from the brink of Hell, knows what He’s doing whether you do or not.

the time it has taken for countless Christians to argue over the minutia of the mystery of how Christ came to save us, I wonder how much good could have been done from your position of having already been saved.

God said love those who hate you and make disciples of all the nations and that He would help you and I do it. I say we do it.

Lessons Learned

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

This verse always confused me on some level. Essentially, what I’ve always taken from this verse, is that ‘God will give me good things if I ask for them.’ So as long as I made sure that what I was asking for wasn’t evil, I was home free.

I had a 1988 Mitsubishi Montero, two door truck. It wasn’t a bad truck; I actually kind of miss it. The only problem I had with it is that it always broke down at just the wrong times. To start off, my Dad and I spent almost two years, off and on, trying to get it running for the first time. There was an entire laundry list of things that went wrong, every time we were ‘almost there’. Among other things, this truck taught me to be patient with inanimate objects. Other situations taught me to be patient with people, but this truck taught me not to waste emotions on just things. If I got mad, the truck just sat there, looking at me as if to say ‘tell me, what is it that you think you just accomplished by that?’ It didn’t care. It wasn’t even close to caring about my frustration—even though it was the sole reason for all of my anger and despair. It just sat there, seemingly oblivious to my anger. Obviously, it wasn’t going to change, so in the end, I was the one who ended up changing.

During the months and years when it was so close to being fixed, I kept praying that God would fix it. I analyzed the situation. Were my motives evil? Nope, certainly my motivations were not evil. Was I asking for something evil? Again, I was not asking for anything evil. So according to Matthew 7, God is going to give it to me, because "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?” Clearly God would answer my prayer.

I don’t think I was wrong for believing this. In retrospect, I see that it certainly wasn’t wrong—it was simply incomplete. I knew that if I asked God for metaphorical ‘bread’, He would not give me metaphorical ‘stones’. So why wasn’t He fixing my truck? In fact, why isn’t He doing a lot of things we see as good? Why is he letting evil people rise to power? Why do women have miscarriages? Why do we pray for one good thing, and get something else entirely?

I don’t have answers to these questions. In fact, I don’t have answers to a lot of questions. I may not have answers, but I may have something better. I have access to Truth. I’m not talking about truth in the sense of ‘things which are true.’ I’m talking about Truth, with that capitol ‘T’.

Here are two things I’ve learned: the first is that the world is not divided into the two categories of good and bad. There are good things, there are better things and there are best things; all of which can be abused. Though it would be good for my truck to be fixed, God saw that it was better that I learn patience through a broken truck. The second thing I’ve learned is that often, we may think that we’re asking for bread and God is giving us stones, simply because He can. But picture this: what if the entire time, we’ve been asking for the stones and God, in His mercy, has been giving us the bread. We are like children, grabbing the bright shiny knife, thinking that that is exactly what we want or need. Our loving Father, who knows far better than we, holds back our hands—not from something evil, but something that He knows better than to give us. So we cry, like the children we are, for the things we think we need—a fixed truck, a fixed relationship, the money to go on that trip, the free time we think we need.

Here’s the bottom line: if you have already trusted God with your eternal soul, by trusting in His Son, Jesus, then you have no reason in the world to doubt His massive capability to govern your life. If He gives you what you did not expect, don’t assume that you know better than He. Our Father has always had the greatest regard for your best. Don’t doubt His intentions the moment you can’t see His hand.

My Brother Joshua

This is a paper I wrote for an English assignment. Our assignment was to write a profile of a person in our life who has had a great impact on us. So as a practice in allegory, I profiled Jesus as my big brother, and called him Joshua.

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My Brother Joshua

My brother Joshua is a man worth profiling. He is my oldest brother by adoption and my best friend. I first met him when I was very young, but finally decided to be adopted by his family in the spring of 2006. Joshua is not hard to like. If anyone really gets to know him, they will find him the most faithful of brothers. He and I became very fast friends and it’s not hard to see why. He has a passion for helping others. This is what first drew me to him. People that are despised, he loves. People who are outcast he takes in. He loves everything America despises. America loves the beautiful, the whole and the strong. Joshua loves the unattractive, the broken and the weak.

I will never forget the day I finally made the decision to be adopted. It was mid-May and was about to turn sixteen. I was working in my yard when Joshua stopped by. He and I talked while I worked.

“Hey Stephen”

I smiled because whenever he says, “Hey Peter” like that, I know he is going to teach me something worth knowing. I always enjoy it when he chooses to teach me something. He is very wise and very patient. He loves to teach in ways that, at first, confuse me. Generally he will say something that seems simple, but as soon as I apply it to my life, I find it’s harder than it appeared.

“Hey Stephen” he said. “You’ve got one day to live.”

I paused. His odd statement puzzled me. I have one day to live? Did he know something about my health that I didn’t? Why did he say that? I like to try to figure out what he means on my own, but this time I had to ask.

“What are you talking about?”

He smiled. He knew he had piqued my curiosity.

“Look at it this way,” he started. “Yesterday is gone. You can’t change yesterday anymore than you can change the first day of time. It’s completely lost; only found in your memories.”

He gave me a second for it to sink in, and continued.

“And who has guaranteed you tomorrow? What rule is written that says you will have another day? Yesterday only exists in your memories, and tomorrow only exists in your plans. The only time you truly have, is the brief moment we call today. You only have one day to live.”

The second time he said it, the phrase made more sense. I did only have one day to live. This was Joshua’s way of saying “our offer of adoption still stands. What do you say? You want to be my brother?”


Over the next few days I talked to my guardians and Joshua’s dad and decided that it was the right thing to do. Joshua is now my oldest brother, but he is not my only sibling. I was adopted into a large family. A few of my new siblings fight far too much. This is the one drawback to my new home. They disagree on a lot of little things. But the one thing that we all agree on is that we really like Joshua. We all love him and try to let our love be the thing that keeps us together. It’s no secret that we almost idolize him. Some say we idolize him too much and others say we don’t idolize him enough. Still, he’s everything that we want to be. We just have a hard time agreeing on other things. But Joshua is always patient and always kind. He never lets our bickering get to him. He is the living example of what love and strength is.

Joshua is by far my best friend. No one knows me nearly as well as he does. But friends don’t become best friends just because of the good times they’ve shared together. Usually, they become best friends because of the hard and difficult times they’ve shared. Joshua has always been there when I needed him. He always hurts with those who are hurt. But even in the hard times, he’s trying to teach me something. Once, after a very painful breakup, he taught me one of the most helpful lessons I have ever learned. We went for a long walk and spent several minutes in silence. Then he said,

“Hey Stephen”,

in that special way again. But I couldn’t find the courage to smile this time. He continued,

“Gold is put into a fire for a very important reason.”

Again he gave me a moment to let it sink in.

“When gold is put into the fire, it melts until its liquid. Then the impurities rise to the surface and are scraped away. Gold cannot be purified unless it is put through a fire. This is why we suffer – to be made strong and pure. Don’t ever run away from hard times. In every fire you go through, there is a lesson. Look for it. If you don’t look, you may miss the jewel that’s only found in the ashes.”

As he was still speaking, I already knew that it was true. I was a little ashamed of myself for being so easily distracted. I assured him that I would be looking for the lesson.

Joshua has this strength and love because of our dad. He and my new father are exactly the same. If anyone wanted to get to know my dad, they should get to know Joshua. He does what he sees our dad doing. He opens our door to anyone who knocks on it, and helps anyone who asks. He and his dad decided that they would not force me into being adopted and they gave me the final decision in the matter. All they did was offer. The choice was mine. There are many reasons why I chose what I did. But all of the little reasons pale in comparison to the one factor of Joshua.

Some people wanted to know more about the actual person my brother is. In this profile, I’ve only told what I know first-hand about him. There are other books written about him, if anyone wants to know about the man himself. You see, Joshua is a Hebrew name. When it is translated into Greek, it’s Jesus. Joshua is Jesus Christ. This entire essay is an allegory. It has a truth deeper than the literal meanings of the words. But my adoption is a real as night and day, black and white, and heaven and hell. When I was adopted as a member into the family of God, Jesus became my older brother. We both share the same father, and my earthy parents became only my guardians. Other Christians are now my brothers and sisters. And it’s true; they do fight far too much.

It’s hard to describe someone who means as much to me as Joshua does. In all honesty, I owe everything I have and everything I am to him. No one person has ever had as much impact on my life as Joshua has. Needless to say, my brother is the man I hope to become. Through him I have grown and become wiser. He is my hero, my mentor, and my friend. No one would do badly if they tried to be more like him.

Resolved

These are my own resolutions for my life, as inspired by Johnathan Edwards (the theologian). I wrote these in a class that lasted far longer than my attention span.

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Resolved: To never err on the side of caution where God has called me to take a risk

Resolved: to not speak poorly of others behind their back, and to only do so to their face when I believe will bring some good to them.

Resolved: to not let the personality or appearance of someone cause me hesitation in sharing the gospel with them.

Resolved: to try, as best as I can, to love all people.

Resolved: to weigh the profit of any task against its importance in eternity.

Resolved: to live, as well as I can, with my own mortality in mind.

Resolved: to never open my mouth in prayer if my motive is a selfish one.

Resolved: if (or rather, when) I fail any one of these resolutions, I will not doubt the great forgiveness found in the grace of God.

Resolved: to never treat the greatness of God as common place.

Resolved: to never waste emotions on inanimate objects or unchangeable
circumstances.

Resolved: to go through my possessions often and see if there is anything which I would be ashamed to hold before the eyes of God.

Resolved: to pair actions with my beliefs.

Resolved: to consider I may be wrong before any disagreement damages a relationship.

Resolved: when I am confronted with my own error, I will not value my pride over the recognition of truth.

Resolved: to never, as well as I can, trade something which is best for something which is merely good.

Resolved: to read this list often, act on what I've written, and add to it when I can.
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10.27.09
Resolved: To not let nameless, vague, irrational fears cause me hesitation in following through in God's will.
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11.01.09
Resolved:
To love everyone. Regardless:

of their response
of their personality
of their race
of their usefulness to me
of their offences against me or anyone else
of their possibility of change
of the possibility of repayment
of their character
of how annoying they are
of how incompatible we are
of whether or not they ever know how much I've done for them
of how I feel
of who else loves them
of how long it takes
of how capable of love I feel
of how many times they've failed
of who knows

I Think We're Missing Service:

I've been thinking.

Admittedly, this is sometimes a very dangerous thing to do, but I think my thinking is good this time.

I think

I remember as a child, we regularly went to nursing homes and widow's houses to make punch, or pass out cake, or play musical instruments or just sit and talk with people who needed to see an eight-year-old again.

I remember this being one of the worst times of the week. Nursing homes smelled really bad, and I would have rather been outside playing, than inside a nursing home, listening to Ms Milly talk about her son in California, or that lady (whose name I've long since forgotten) tell us that story about how handsome her husband was for the 50th time, or reintroducing myself to Mr so-and-so each week, because he had Alzheimer and forgot us.

Looking back, I would not trade those times for anything. I mean this with all sincerity. So much so, that I will say it again.

I would not trade those times, for anything.

Those times, those people, taught me something that no amount of books could have seared into my brain, no amount of talking could have branded on my heart and no amount of hardships could have put before my eyes.

Other's needs are greater than my own.


Here is what I saw and what I learned.

I saw Ms Queen.
Ms Queen was a quadriplegic because she was hit by a drunk driver and thrown through her own windshield into a ditch filled with ant beds. She lay there, being bitten by ants, until someone called 911 and got the ambulance there. She was completely paralyzed from that day on. I remember going up to her room at the nursing home, and as we all filed in, she would turn her eyes as far as they would go, so she could see our faces. She couldn't even turn her head. But she could smile; and smile she did. I never once heard her complain about anything. I listened to her tell the story of how she became paralyzed, and the even more amazing story of how she came to forgive the man who paralyzed her—even though he never once came to visit her, or apologize, or even admit that he had done anything wrong.

I remember the injustice. The anger I felt for her, because she felt no anger toward that man. Why? How could she forgive the man who stole her life, and left her living? How could she forgive the man who ruined everything she ever dreamed of, without even a moment’s remorse?

She understood. She was able to see the truth. God had forgiven her of far more than this.

We repeat it in church, and teach it to our kids and say it ‘till we’re blue in the face—but to see it lived out, to watch forgiveness happen when it makes no sense—this was Ms Queen.

No injustice in my life seems quite equal to this. Can I then withhold forgiveness?

We can tell our kids all day long about starving kids in China who have so little to eat, so that we can get them to finish their vegetables—but to see it?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If you ever see a life, that lives what the picture is trying to say, then this life is worth far more than a thousand pictures.


I want to take a self-centered child, and sit that child down in a nursing home, to listen to the stories that the people there tell. I want that child to get a handkerchief, and wipe the spit that crusts around the mouth of a ninety year old woman, who is so bed ridden, that she can't get up to go to the bathroom, so she smells like urine and sweat and dirt. I want that child to hug that woman, and understand that before the next visit, this woman may die. And if she dies, no one will care. Her children are across the country and might come for the funeral, and to take care of the legal paperwork--but that's all. I
want that child to understand, in the most vivid way possible, that even though another kid just got a bigger serving of ice cream than they did...that's okay. For a million and one reasons...that's okay.

I think we’re missing service.

To meet another’s needs is to understand how insignificant our self-centered cries sound. Our voice, which cries at the injustice of life, trails off into space as we kneel down by the chair, and re-introduce ourselves to Mr. So-And-So, for the third time today. Our inconveniences seem so trivial when we listen to another story about how handsome this woman’s husband was when he came back from the war.

Pride and humility cannot coexist in the same person at the same time. Therefore, whatever is humbling, I think is good. Whatever forces every last ounce of pride we have, out of our hearts, whatever it takes, I think is worth it.

Serve.

Meet someone’s needs. If that means bathing a bed-ridden quadriplegic, because if you don’t, no one will—then for God’s sake, do it. For God’s sake, do something.